Match Report: YBA 3 – 1 Raiders
YBM + Paid Mercenaries 3 – Honest Amateur Turkeys – 1
Before I begin this match report I need to provide you with some family history in order to place my actions in an appropriate context. The Armitt family name stretches back centuries but we first achieved fame and notoriety in 1536. Rex Armitt was attending the beheading of Anne Boleyn at Hampton Court. Being industrious and small he had managed to get a front row seat. As cerimony commenced and the executioner severed her head it began its descent into the basket. However calamity struck, the head hit the rim of the basket and began to fall out, a horrific breach of decorum and an omen of tragedy. The crowd gasped. As quick as a flash Rex Armitt caught the head and placed it safely back in the basket. King Henry the VIII himself congratulated him and remarked ‘You are incredibly quick on your toes!’ From that day forth he was known as Rex ‘Toes’ Armitt.
Fast forward to World War 1. Bob Armitt is serving in the trenches. Devilishly handsome and quick witted (the genes are strong), he was with his squadron when a German stick bomb was thrown into their trench. Being quick on his toes he scooped up the explosive and launched it back into no-mans land… it bounced and landed in a trench full of American allies but everyone agreed that 1 Englishman is worth 10 Americans and Bob had been incredibly quick on his toes.
1983, Stockport. Craig Armitt is pushing his way out of the womb. As he lands on the operating table the doctor accidentally knocks the forceps off the table. A tiny infant hand shoots out and catches the instrument. There is a stunned silence. A young trainee doctor from America, Aron Schuftan, exclaimed, ‘That baby is quick on his toes!’ My father just nodded silently, he knew the boy was an Armitt.
2009, France. I’m on holiday and there is an opportunity to enter an arena to face a bull. Being young and wanting to impress a new girlfriend I volunteered. She was worried but I knew I had the Armitt genes so I was safe. Once in the arena the bull proved to be a fierce tempered beast. It charged at me. I trusted my quick feet until it was 2 meters away at which point I decided to turn and run. It smashed into me. However by quickly using my toes to raise my body 5cm I took the brunt of the blow on my back and shoulders rather than my skull. Thus being quick on my toes saved my life.
And so we come to 2017. It’s hot. The opposition are keeping the ball well. We are frustrated. Mic wins the ball back and blasts a back pass 5m to my right straight out of play. He then proceeds to scream at me ‘Be quicker on your fucking toes!’ Well dear reader, you can only imagine the power of the ancestral fury coursing through my body. Before I knew it, (perhaps inspired by his perfectly smooth phallic shaped head), I had called him a wanker, a prick and a bellend. I’d like to say I instantly regretted my decision but it was wonderfully cathartic experience. For this heroic defence of my ancestors honour I was nominated as the Turkey of the Match! For shame.
In other news, we lost 3 – 1 to a team including paid semi-pros. Pat Guzan won man of the match for an inspired display between the sticks and Mus scored his first goal for the Raiders.
I would also like to note that this is the second time I have been awarded Turkey due to Aron actively campaigning during the voting process. This ‘American style’ massaging of the vote is a cancer amongst us. I am aware he is seeking avoid the award himself as I have witnessed the terror in his eyes each time he is nominated. A greater man would help Aron with this and seek to shelter him from the judgment of others. Alas I am not that man, I will be nominating and voting for Aron as Turkey at every game for the remainder of the season.
Out onto the pitch and “oh no” whats this… Its a florally decorated cake accompanied by the champions league theme tune. I looked around and thought boys this is the big time now. Also can we kick them as hard now after such gratitude?
Now vote for a winner below.