The Phenomenon of Phnom Penh
The bus rocks up to McDonalds for an early evening meal before the antics that are about to follow. However before we boarded the antics had already begun.
Prior to departure sign up numbers were pretty low by Raiders standards so a few add-ons were drafted in. The first draft-in secured MOM – a well-deserved award to be discussed later… The second draft-in collapsed in a heap in Cambodia the weekend prior to tour and ended up in a hospital that can only be described as a scene out of Syria – not even Dr Aron could fix this add on, so the boys decided to chip in for draft-in number 3… birthday boy Jon.
Pre tour bonding was well under way with daily videos of faeces being splattered across faces in various manners sent out to rev up those pre tour endorphins – Edwin was a particular fan of the videos I feel. After Jon had been drafted in 48 hours prior to tour it was a rush to get the e-visa sorted, but our trust was in the Danish boy and it came back with success. Or rather lack of success. English is a difficult language to master, and it is obviously especially easy to confuse your first name with your last name. Low and behold the Dane had screwed up his e-visa. A rushed email later and success had blossomed – the Dane was signed up and the boys were ready for tour…
McDonalds has long been the meeting place for future relationships to grow, had Jack and Rose not had the Titanic this would have been the destination of choice. I remember when I was 16 I agreed to meet a date outside McDonalds. Unfortunately my faeces decided to make an unannounced appearance whilst walking to the bus stop – a video that would have fit in perfectly with our pre tour bonding.
The VAS boys were ready for the gents already on the coach with cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets in hand. A special moment was shared by all (or just me) when it was finally time to put faces to names, or a face to the dickhead who kept sending videos of flying shits.
Introductions were done, beers were opened and we were ready. Except the one and only Danny Vo was nowhere to be seen. What was to become the norm, he arrived fashionably late with a beaming grin across his face. But who could resist the smile and little pokey pecker dick of Danny Vo, on he came and we were off – next stop Phnom Penh…
DJ Hogg was in the mix on the back seat. Craig and Aron were supporting the back seat crew quietly drinking beers and turning their noses up at the sign of the first swig of whiskey at 4pm. Moving down the bus Edwin’s ears pricked up at the thought of shots and so the spirits started flowing. In typical fashion our Irish companion Gary started the bottle off. Bar tender Nano was in fine form supplying the tinnies and shot bottles up and down the isles. Give him a trolley and it would’ve been just like flying with Argentina Air.
30 minutes in and the first whispers of ‘I need a f*cking piss’ started emerging from the direction of SM. Thankfully he was still awake after his embarrassment of last year’s tour, although the bus driver would soon regret him still being awake. Adam called shotgun on becoming the first nude of the bus and proceeded to unravel the worlds longest femur bones along with an arsehole that looked like Chewbacca was trying to crawl out of there.
Onwards we travelled; more beers were consumed before it was time for a toilet break. Unfortunately Hoggy’s ‘piss in a bottle’ challenge was not sufficient for 12 gentlemen with a few empty 500ml bottles between us. Off we got and proceeded to meet the locals. By now some of our facial features were becoming somewhat distorted and the wondrous effect of alcohol was starting to take hold. Even Dr Aron had started to get a bit giddy.
The journey continued in fine fashion before we finally arrived at the border. The passport checking seemed somewhat effortless in comparison to the journey home, however resident fighter Gary and eager Edwin managed to upset some of the rugby boys at the border and fisty-cuffs were almost drawn. Nano got summoned for an anal probe (though he insists it was for a passport check) and Hoggy was getting arsey playing dad because people were all over the place and not paying attention. However, it turned in to a positive when it was spotted that the rugby boys had left behind a bottle of tequila. Finders-keepers. Suckers.
Back on the bus we go. Further bonding took place between new to be roommates Jon and myself with Hoggy’s piss in the bottle challenge. Drinking games were flowing freely with some choice answers for names of football teams. However all was in good humour but the bus driver didn’t see this side of things once someone decided to scrap attempting to pee in a bottle and proceeded to piss all over a pair of ‘luxury’ leather seats. We all took note of which seat this was to prevent anyone sitting there at a future date, or so we thought… To add insult to injury for the bus driver, Jon decided it was time to empty his stomach in to a carrier bag. Suppose we couldn’t blame the bus for breaking down on us en route to our destination. The excitement for some was too much to bear and naptime was in order before we arrived in resort.
Most of us had forgotten the purpose of the tour was to play football, so once we arrived in resort we prepared ourselves by going out for a massive sesh. Having drunk 4 cases of beer, 2 bottles of tequila, banana alcohol, 2 small bottles of vodka, Chivas whiskey and some Wild Turkey, there was definitely room for more. Dad Dan led the way and we all followed suit. Coats were checked for hip flasks when arriving at Pontoon, debates were held between the Vietnamese and Khmer girls over which one of us they wanted and Danny Vo almost had his phone swipped out of his hands. Just a quiet night in Phnom Penh was beginning.
Before the sun started to rise, Gary ended up getting chased down an alley by his hookers’ pimp, Ben and Craig decided to take a detour to the wrong hotel whilst stuffing 3 burgers and patting peoples head, to the dismay of the locals “Hey man, this is Asia, don’t pat people on the head”. Then at 6am Jon rocks in with Miss-wanabe-Germany who managed to pose for a picture with Mr Vo earlier in the evening. I was left passed out doing the helicopter whilst Miss Germany got ploughed by the Dane.
The sun had finally risen and day two had begun. Brave smiles were on some of the Raiders as they headed out for breakfast, whilst those who had minimal sleep refreshed in the pool before one of them lost footing and launched in to a bush.
Match time drew upon us and as we were waiting for the bus a call came through to advise that it had broken down… Taxi’s & Tuk Tuk’s were ordered and the team arrived in style. Raiders tops were donned and it was almost time for kick off. I was super excited for my first ever game of football at the age of 29 having used to of skipped PE in exchange for trumpet lessons. So yeah, super-super excited. Adam was also super stoked for the game – “Adam, you can play anywhere right?” – “Well yeah I can stand anywhere on the pitch”. This pretty much summed up how the next 4 matches were going to go. But on the plus side we got a nice team picture out of it.
Game 1 – Before starting a pair of keeping gloves were required as we had forgotten ours. A lovely, lovely bloke from one of the other teams was extremely willing to give us his gloves and after some sarcastic comments we finally got them out of his hands and in to my sweaty and sturdy, soon to be un-safe hands…
I was terrified in goal, terrified. Thankfully I had my defenders Nano and Scotty doing a grand job. Ben, Adam, Hoggy, Craig, Aron, Jan, Danny Vo and Gary did a great job of keeping the ball away from me as long as possible but unfortunately the inevitable happened and a goal sneaked past. Danny Vo looked to be coming round but unfortunately gave up on a goal that he could have scored. His kind was clearly thinking about buying motorbikes. A few substitutions were made to get Edwin off the bench and everyone involved, but it didn’t save us and the game ended up 1 – 0.
We were then straight on to our second game. A little bit of confidence was starting to bloom and the Raiders scored their first goal of the tournament. However this was short lived and 3 goals crept past me. Literally one crept in after trying to stop it and failing miserably. Aron even got some choice words in – where was the team morale when it was needed! At this point I was cursing the ball, their players, our players, the grass, the bog at the side of the pitch, my sunglasses, Danny Vo’s dick, everything.
Thankfully by the time game 3 came around Captain Hogg could see how much I was enjoying myself and took up on the offer of swapping out of goal to Mr Safe Hands himself, Irish Gary. Even with broken toes Gary managed to make a stunning save against a penalty. Captain Hogg was in fine form and after some swift footwork from the team he managed to score off a wonderful free kick. 5 minutes of the game were signalled and a win was in sight. 5 minutes passed and no whistle. Another 5 minutes passed and no whistle. During another 5 minutes unfortunately one slipped in passed not-so-safe-hands Gary – to make matters worse this was an own goal from our Argentinian Trolley-Dolly Nano. The game ended up 1 – 1. Gary certainly made his feelings known to the referee on the extra ‘5 minutes’, which is very unlike him.
Our last game was upon us and the team were in fine form and pretty psyched up. Prior to the match there was a fight on the pitch between some players who used to play for the same team. We started the game ensuring it was all in good jest with no punches to be thrown. We had Gary prepared just in case however. I was having a great time on the side-lines as was the 11-year-old lines-man who should’ve been out playing Pokémon rather than swimming around in the side-line bog. Raiders were pulling out all the stops and the fancy footwork paid off against their oversized keeper and a win of 1- 0 secured us a victory before we left to prepare for the evening activities that awaited us.
Prior to leaving we picked up a pair of Converse trainers that was left amongst all of our gear. A clear sign that surely it was a pair of trainers from our group we thought? However once we had checked this turned out to be false. Gary thought it was his lucky day and bagged himself a nice pair of size 7 Converse.
Dinner was served at Billy’s place and it provided a well deserved feast after a long day on the pitch in blistering heat. Drinks had started to flow but a few of us were still slightly delicate from the previous night. However, once the drinking competition was announced we secured a winning team – Captain Hogg started the team off in speedy fashion followed by Mr PissyPants Scott McGreever. I followed suit and finally proved I was good at something worthwhile on this tour before birthday boy Jon finished us off in first place. Victory at last!
We then moved on to our first bar of the evening once Scott had finished his 8th shit of the day. Destination 1 – Top Banana. Thanks to a dipsy bartender we secured 70 shots and 24 pints for a very reasonable price of around $1 per drink. The shots of tequila and Sambuca proved a fine addition to our nominations for awards. MOM for an outstanding performance, eager commitment, clear ball skills (off the pitch) and confidence on the field went to me – a proud moment and very well deserved if I don’t say so myself… Turkey of the Tour went to Nano with a strong majority for his impressive own goal, congratulations! Further nominations for shots included Danny Vo for having a little cock, Gary for having a massive cock and Adam for being top shagger.
Balloons were then in order to treat ourselves. After a few too many shots and a mixture of balloons some faces ended up like an advert from Talk to Frank. Having an opportunity for free balloons by touching Mr balloon guys dick was too good to miss and it soon started the downfall of night number 2. Gary particularly enjoyed his balloon filled with Captain Hogg’s emissions.
We then progressed to Duplex Bar and Sound Club. Lots of rum followed along with further Tequila. Scott was feeling slightly peckish and opted to grab the receipt off some innocent Cambodian waiter before scoffing it down his throat and waving his tongue around like he was licking Mother Teresa’s saggy fanny. The poor waiter stood in dismay at what he had just witnessed. After being removed from the dance floor for being white and squeezing a few testicles it was time to move on to Reggae bar. It is en route here that the picture of the tour surfaced, and for sanity reasons it shall not be uploaded on the website. However for anyone curious simply ask to see the handstand dick pic and all will make sense. Sound club was also very dark, if only they had a few more lights…
Our night was coming to an end but some of the team opted for a sneaky massage before calling it quits – no happy endings involved, apparently, just 6 blokes in a bed. This was a perfect opportunity for Nano to overcome breaking up with his Mrs via text message. Where would we be without 21st century technology?! Unfortunately for McGreever there was no shitting allowed in the pool according to the well-noted sign so he was unable to make it 9 shits before bedtime. Adam lived up to his nomination of top shagger and locked Scott out of his room leaving him to snuggle with Craig.
The trip drew to a close. Adam was first on the coach and had full choice of seats to go for. Of course the obvious selection was to go for the one that Scott had pissed all over on the way here. Lucky Adam. The long journey home commenced once Danny Vo had bought a few motorbikes and made the bus late again. The journey was made even longer by the fuckwits at border control who decided to leave their station for an hour until they saw us putting money in our passports to get through the gate. A sure way to rile up 12 hungover chaps. Top tip for next time – walk to the front with a 20k note poking out and we’re through.
Before I sign off, congratulations must be sent to Adam’s conquest who is clearly a fan of her future husband. Adam will soon be joining their family.
Also, turns out Gary didn’t secure a free pair of Converse after all. A somewhat crusty chap from one of the other teams sent a strongly worded email to Craig…
We are a thoughtful team though, and upon Gary’s return to Cambodia they met up. Once being put back in his place by considerate Gary, an exchange of Converse for warm beers took place. Winners all around.
A thoroughly enjoyable weekend was had by all, filled with too many beers, lots of cocks being flashed, hairy arseholes, a Cambodian German wanabe and getting wanked off by a Dane.
The last part alone is enough to convince me to become a formal social member of Saigon Raiders and looking towards the next tour. Peace X